evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Thank you for not boning my boss.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
