420 ftw
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
