someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
