Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
