I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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