I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
