I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
