Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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