somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
