I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
