took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
