I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
