Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
