And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
