I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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