You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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