I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
