yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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