im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I seem to have left my pride at pride
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
