girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
