So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
