With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
