Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
