i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
