my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
