I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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