apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
