Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
