i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
