atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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