Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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