if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
