I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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