He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
