I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
