No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
