I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
