i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
