I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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