i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
