I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
