This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
