there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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