Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
