I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
