I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
