i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
