What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
