so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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