Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
